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Mom Minus Dad: The Essential Resource Guide for Busy Adults with a Newly Widowed Parent

Jamieson Haverkampf
Blooming Women Press (2008)
ISBN 9781934953198
Reviewed by Mary Durfor for RebeccasReads (3/09)

The author’s father died unexpectedly eleven months after being diagnosed with supposedly treatable lymphoma.  He was only 62, and left behind a grieving, bewildered, unprepared 56-year-old widow.  Separated by 2000 miles, both the author and her sister, thirty-somethings, embark on the journey of helping their mom adjust and cope, even as they try to do the same.  Because they did not have a blueprint for survival at their fingertips, the author has created one in this excellent book, complete with resources, websites, associations, organizations, and support to ease the transition.  The author addresses each task that must be accomplished following a death in the family.  With sound advice about accepting all reasonable offers of help, hiring other help, and making ample time to perform all important self-care activities, a newly grieving family can simply follow this sage advice and let themselves off the hook a little, hopefully enough to avoid utter exhaustion and burnout which so many face in this situation.  There are very practical resources offered which will be invaluable to people in this situation.  From help in planning the funeral to home and estate organizers, from support groups to individual therapy sessions, all are explored in depth here, with practical advice about how to access each needed resource. 

Because the author and her sister tried to do it all by themselves, until they began to look for and take advantage of all the help available around them, they both suffered from caregiver fatigue and lost themselves in the process.  Their personal, happy lives were given up entirely to helping their mother move through the process, along with following their own painful journey.  From setting boundaries to trying techniques like the one-hour vacation, the author encourages the people involved to nurture themselves, to practice grounding techniques daily, to rebuild their lives and feel whole again.  Specifics about engaging financial assistants and organizers, ways to automate ongoing financial activities, and budgeting ideas are all offered.  The roles of estate attorneys and executors are explained with additional resources given.  Technology time-savers and support questions are posed for deciding how computer-savvy the new widow or widower can be.  The rich, healing art of celebrating milestones is presented, along with holiday and anniversary advice.  Many new ideas are explored along with the resources to contact them.  The healing concept of the yearly memorial is discussed, including practical ideas. 

There is an entire chapter devoted to the subject of moving the remaining parent to another city or state to be closer to the rest of the family.  The various options are presented for consideration, along with some questions to use to try and narrow the possibilities.  The actual act of packing up, clearing out, closing down, and moving to a totally new environment is broken into steps and the many resources that can reduce the stress and the physical work involved are listed.  Selling the property is reviewed.  There is a sensitive discussion of the formation of the “new” family order following a death, as well as the integration of the moved parent into a brand new community. 

The final half of the book is an invaluable listing, chapter by chapter from the first half, of every resource, carefully researched and explained, with the benefits, contact information and more given for each one.  Wonderful books and web sites are clearly identified for easy retrieval and all kinds of support groups are identified along with their contact information.  The author has kindly included some great worksheets to use or modify. 

This guide to the difficult task of grieving while totally readjusting your life and the lives of the remaining parent following a death is a must-have book for all grown children in this situation and for those who foresee it in the near future.  The plethora of resources and the organization of the information are so helpful for simplifying a very difficult job that we all must go through at some time in our lives that it would do well to be on the shelves of all professionals who encounter this group of people as well.  

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