Memories of a home death. The story of the author's encounters with the death of the people she has loved, & her father-in-law's last thirteen days of life.
Sr. Associate Reviewer Dr. Alma Bond writes:
Not many of us are given a second chance in life. Rebecca Brown is one of those fortunate people, to the everlasting gratitude of her husband D. H. BROWN, & her father-in-law, Lincoln Brown. Standing the Watch is a charming, delightful story of how Rebecca & David saw his father through his devastating & excruciating illness to a peaceful death in his own home.
Rebecca, an adopted war orphan who was raised in England, was deprived of the chance to participate in the death of the father who raised her. As a result, she felt alienated, abandoned, & alone. 35 years later in the Pacific Northwest, when her father-in-law became terminally ill, Rebecca did what she was kept from doing for her own father, & cheerfully joined her husband in providing a peaceful “good death” for Lincoln. Surely no volunteer job has ever proven more difficult, demanding, educational, & --yes--rewarding.
Standing the Watch: Memories of a home death is the story of the long ordeal experienced by Lincoln, Rebecca, & David, from the time of Lincoln's first stroke to the aftermath of his death. For anyone who has or will have such an experience, this book is a much needed primer on caring for our aging & dying parents. I say that with tongue-in-cheek, because few people, including your reviewer, are capable of such generous, loving, courageous, & sustained care.
I found the book touching in many places, for instance when Lincoln is asked if he wants to have surgery to prolong his life, & he answers, “I want to go home, Son. I want to go home and I want to watch the blue jays.” Standing the Watch is also heart warming. One might wonder how a book written about death & dying could be heart warming, but it is, because it is filled with compassion, humor, & love. It is also a growth-inducing book, because if left to their own devices most people will deny that death exists. A good illustration is the story told by Freud about a man who was discussing death with his wife. He said, “When you die, I shall move to Paris.”
With honesty & directness, Rebecca & her husband faced up to what has been called the “last obscenity,” the thought of our own death & those we love. Their courage & forthrightness will help others to do the same. She is as generous in sharing her life & emotions with her readers as she was with her father-in-law. To read this book is to end up loving her.
What a blessing for Poppa to have Rebecca as a daughter-in-law! Their relationship went far beyond that of relatives by marriage, or indeed, relatives of any denomination. Before Standing the Watch is finished, he is calling her “daughter” & she feels she has a father again. It is a true love story in the largest sense of the words, in that Rebecca could willingly nurse him, wash him, clean him when he became incontinent, laugh with him, share his humor, see to his complicated medical care, feed him, & help him overcome his pain & sadness, with only a minimum of resentment. (Although I must say I gave a sigh of relief when she admitted that she sometimes had such feelings. Otherwise I would wonder if she were human!)
Standing the Watch is also a page turner. Once I started, I read it straight through. It is beautifully written, such as when “the paramedics bundled him onto the gurney and hurtled off into the night...At four o'clock in the morning we were left standing, in a rare star and moonlit night, listening to the chorus of Buddy-dog's barking and coyotes' yipping.” The book also has many a delightful turn of the phrase, such as that there is no “dress rehearsal” for death, “Listening to his breathing... sounded like Velcro being opened,” & referring to the technician who drew Lincoln's blood as “Chauncey, the sure-handed vampire.”
Rebecca learned many things from caring for her father-in-law. She learned “How relationships are grown, how love is nourished, and humor given.” She learned about the passage of time, that money & possessions aside, time is all we own; that each breath is not to be taken for granted, but to be relished with wonder; how to really listen to the stories of another; that she possesses remarkable endurance, & that caring for the dying is much like caring for a newborn, only in reverse. She learned that taking care of a dying elder is all part of “loving life and loving him. Wiping up vomit or runny feces; cleaning soiled bedding and pjs, all of it is simply the process of life and has no meaning. Does that mean that I like doing it? That my gorge doesn't spasm? Not at all. It simply means that it is my way of honoring this elder and making his final days and nights as loved and comfortable as I can.” She learned that “the dying away of a body is part of being alive, and soon enough it will be my turn.”
If there is any shortcoming in Standing the Watch, it is that perhaps it could have ended sooner after the death of Lincoln. I got the feeling that Rebecca did not want to let go of the book, because to do so was to truly say goodbye to her beloved father-in-law.
Rebecca Brown is a wonderful writer. She writes clearly, simply, & movingly, & never fails to hold the reader's interest. I cannot imagine that there is anyone who would not deepen & evolve on reading Standing the Watch. Rebecca is also a wonderful woman. My wish for her is that if necessary when her time comes, she will find the loving care she so generously & courageously gave to Lincoln.
(06/23/02)
RebeccasiReads.com
